Loving Partnership in Christian Marriage

 How should husbands and wives treat each other?

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Eph 5:21–22 NIV

Many Christians quote verse 22 alone, but verses 21 and 22 are two parts of one sentence in the Greek New Testament. The word “submit” only occurs in verse 21, not in verse 22.  

 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives,  …  to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Eph 5:21–22 NIV

This does means husbands and wives should submit to one another. There is no other way to meaningfully understand this single sentence.

There is much debate about what it means for the husband to be the head of the wife but that is a topic for another time.

Paul says husbands must love their wives as Christ loves the church, but he does not say the husband must command, direct or control his wife as Christ rules over the church.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Eph 5:25 NIV

Bible teachers often ignore the fact that a husband and wife are fellow Christians and therefore the rules that govern relationships between all Christians must apply to Christian marriage.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. Jn 13:34 NIV

There are some overrated Bible teachers who teach male domination in marriage. They say a man must love his wife and a wife must respect her husband. Then they focus on wives respecting (and obeying) while they merely pay superficial lip service to husbands loving their wives. So much nonsense!

Jesus said the apostles must love each other. Was this only for apostles? Of course not. All Christians must love each other as Jesus loves us, husbands and wives included.

If the husband is the leader, which is sometimes appropriate, he should follow the teaching of Jesus about leadership.

Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.
Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,
and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— Mt 20:25–27 NIV

Some leaders demand to be heard and obeyed, but good leaders listen and consider the thinking of others.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, Jas 1:19 NIV

Many, if not most husbands are not good at listening to their wives. We all need to improve in this regard.

But many teach that the husband should always be the leader, ideally a kind Christian leader. Careful observation of men and women should lead us to question this belief.

Some men are natural leaders and many others are born to be faithful followers. Likewise some women are natural leaders and many others are gifted to be followers.

The couple who led me to faith were my uncle and his wife. She was created and gifted to be a natural strong leader, and her husband was an introvert with the qualities of a good partner and a faithful follower.

My aunt loved and respected her husband and he loved and respected her leadership qualities.

Only God is the Judge

 “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. Mt 7:1 NRSV

What does that mean? Are we supposed to gloss over all sin? Are we to think that Hitler or Stalin were only mentally ill?

What is God trying to say? Should we differentiate between good and evil? Absolutely.

Should we confront and resist sin? Of course.

If you are a church leader or pastor and someone in the church is causing trouble or abusing children, should you passively allow it? God forbid.

On the other hand, if a pastor or priest becomes arrogant and authoritarian and causes trouble in your family, are you allowed to rebuke that man even though he is the leader?

What does Jesus say?

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. Mt 18:15 NIV

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Eph 5:21 NIV

We must confront other Christians strongly, sometimes.

But we must never forget that only God sits on the heavenly judgement seat, not us.

If you correct another Christian, you must first bow before God's judgement seat. We are all flawed.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Mt 7:3–5 NIV

We must sometimes confront other Christians, but if you're acting like a policeman always on the lookout for sins in the community, then you've really gone astray.

It is sometimes all right to correct other Christians. Sometimes.

But am I appointed by God to correct all the faults I see in other Christians? Christians who think this way are proud and self righteous.  

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.

If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Gal 6:1–3 NIV

“You who are spiritual” is an important qualification. People who think they are always right are not spiritual. Spiritual Christians are humble, gentle and loving.

Ministering Truth with Love and Gentleness

 In Tolkien's ‘’The Lord of the Rings‘’, ATHELAS is a powerful healing herb. The true king is also a true healer, and he applies the herb ATHELAS to terrible wounds.
This is a Christian allegory.

In the Bible, ATHELAS is the Greek word that means TRUTH.
In the New Testament, the true king is Jesus, but his true identity is veiled because Jesus lives an ordinary life among ordinary people, just like Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings.

In the Lord of the Rings, two heroic characters are stabbed to death with blades empowered by demonic witchcraft, namely Frodo and Eowyn. Aragorn, the king in exile, places the ATHELAS herb in hot, steaming water and applies the medicine to the fatal wounds.
When people are traumatised by dark and terrible experiences, only the truth can heal them.

Many Christians have some understanding of this, but lack the deep wisdom and love to apply the truth in a healing way.

In ‘’The Lord of the Rings‘’, it is the king himself who applies the healing herb gently and with healing skill.

It is not enough to explain the truth about the king to traumatised people. We must bring them with gentleness into the presence of the King himself.

Some severely damaged people can only tolerate medicine in very small doses. Sometimes we need to administer very small doses of truth with much love and patience.

In the New Testament, Jesus did not explain the full truth of who he is to the crowd when they came for healing. He healed the sick and he spoke in parables.

Timing is also crucial. Even with his chosen twelve apostles, Jesus did not begin by telling them that he was the eternal God who came down from heaven. He waited for the Father to reveal it to them.

Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?”

And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, but others Elijah, and still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”

He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?”

Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven. Mt 16:13–17 NRSV

A young woman goes to church in search of God. She was abused as a child and became a prostitute. She feels more like a victim than a sinner and is very confused. How can we help her with love and truth?

The pastor confronts the issue of her sin, but shows little compassion for her as a suffering victim.

Timing!

We need to know when and how to give truth to hurting people.

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: Ec 3:1 NKJV

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Gal 6:1 NIV

Remember, truth must always come with grace and love. Truth without love often makes wounds worse, not better.

There is also a time for confronting sin and for strong preaching, but we must be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and the needs of the people we want to reach.

Ultimately, God will judge the world with truth and condemn anyone who has rejected Jesus, but we must never forget that we are not judges. Only God is the judge.

God's Way Out for Traumatised Victims

 In the decades after the war, there were Jews who could not bear to hear the German language.

Some people were so traumatised as children that they never want to marry. Some become homosexuals; others live in de-facto relationships. Others run away as teenagers and become homeless.

There are also many Christians who are so manipulated and disrespected in churches that they often feel threatened in church services.

God has given us homeland, family, marriage and church, but when these gifts of God are corrupted by lust for power, there are  countless victims who find life unbearable.

My wife and I were in a wonderful church for about ten years. Many loved God with a good heart. Many reached out to people on the streets.

Everyone was welcome: homeless, witches, prostitutes, it didn't matter. 

Some New Age people came to seek God, others came to practice witchcraft against us, but the Christians prayed with power and authority so that the devil could not gain the upper hand.

Such a situation can become chaotic. There are some communities where the leaders are harsh rulers, perhaps out of greed for power, or perhaps out of fear of chaos.

Our pastor often said it was easer for him to control people than   to lead free people, but he was determined to respect everybody's freedom.

Paul also believed in freedom. He was extremely critical of preachers who wanted to rule harshly. He told the Christians in Corinth not to submit to such leadership.

You put up with it when someone enslaves you, takes everything you have, takes advantage of you, takes control of everything, and slaps you in the face. 2 Corinthians 11:20 NLT

Paul not only criticised the arrogant preachers for their cruelty, but also submissive Christians, for their obedience.

Cruel abuse of authority wreaks havoc. Many women and men want nothing more to do with God or the church because of severe Christian parents, teachers or preachers.

A good preacher told how she was out on the streets proselytising among prostitutes. Quite a few young women on the street came from devout Christian families.

How can we win the traumatised victims for Jesus?

Our role model is Jesus. He preached very hard against the sins of the arrogant religious leaders, but he was gentle and kind with the despised sinners.

The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and “sinners.” ’ Luke 7:34 NIV84

Are you yourself badly hurt, rejected and traumatised? Do you need to submit again to escape God's judgement? Many wrestle with such terrifying thoughts.

God's ways for you are quite different. He wants to welcome you kindly and help you with gentleness.

LIBERTY IN THE LOVE OF GOD

There are two kinds of ministry. 

• The kind that God likes is encouraging and comforts the heart.

Isaiah 40:1-2 (NKJV)   "Comfort, yes, comfort My people!" Says your God.

• "Speak comfort to Jerusalem, and cry out to her, That her warfare is ended, That her iniquity is pardoned; For she has received from the LORD'S hand Double for all her sins."

The Good News of salvation must always be GOOD news. 

• Jesus preached against sin but He always attracted sinners with his genuine love and encouragement. 

• Jesus was a nice person to be with. 

• The religious leaders despised him because he associated with sinners. He was known as the friend of sinners.

John 3:16-17 (NKJV)   For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

• For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

• The other kind of ministry is judgmental and controlling.

Matthew 23:4 (NKJV)   For they bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.

In Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians, we see both kinds of ministry contrasted.

Paul shows us the best kind of ministry in Chapter 1.

• Firstly Paul directs his readers to focus on God and particularly His love, grace, mercy and peace.

2 Corinthians 1:2-3 (NKJV)   Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

• Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort..

Certainly God wants us to be virtuous and moral but He is not interested in virtue that is not motivated by a heart of love and mercy.

In 1999 there was a day of public prayer organised by Christians in Argentina. Homosexuals responded by organising a protest march. 

• The hostility was defused by the believers who went to the homosexuals and asked their forgiveness for the cruel judgment they had suffered from Christians. 

• They blessed the homosexuals. Some of them left the protest to talk to the Christians and nine accepted salvation.

A young homosexual man was dying of Aids in a Chilean hospital. 

Cold hearted people went the hospital like visitors at the zoo but one Christian grandmother visited to show love and mercy. 

• She prophesied over the young man that his next blood transfusion was to be his last and God would heal and save him. 

• The young man believed and was transformed by the love of God. 

• The change in the young man’s life impacted the hospital. Doctors and nurses were converted. A new church was established based on the miracle power and love of Jesus.

The second kind of ministry is controlling, based on authority, titles and positions. Paul deals with this very directly but sadly we often don’t take any notice.

2 Corinthians 11:19-20 (NLT)   After all, you think you are so wise, but you enjoy putting up with fools!

• You put up with it when someone enslaves you, takes everything you have, takes advantage of you, takes control of everything, and slaps you in the face.

There are Christians who base their Christian lives on the ministry of preachers who control them. 

They are deceived by pride, by the pride of the preacher who takes the place of Jesus in the life of the believers. 

• The followers of these preachers also can become infected with pride. They imagine they are superior because they follower the superior doctrine of their chosen leader.

If you pastor discourages you from visiting other churches or listening to other preachers, don’t be intimidated. 

• Exercise your God given freedom.

We are ONE BODY in Christ.

Galatians 5:1 (NKJV)   Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.